


I Want To Stay

by todotoga



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Marriage, Married Life, Timeskip, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27117563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/todotoga/pseuds/todotoga
Summary: What the seasons remind Kenma of and how they impact his relationship with Kuroo.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	I Want To Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I wrote this because I couldn't sleep because I just kept mentally writing the first few paragraphs. Then I made myself cry as I continued writing.
> 
> Trigger Warning: Character death and implied suicidal thoughts, please let me know if you want a trigger warning for anything else mentioned here.

Spring sunlight sneaks through the blinds of the large window, causing streaks of light to form across the younger of two males’ faces. A particular streak catches the male’s eye, causing the gold to glint even brighter as his eyes flutter open and scan his surroundings before ultimately landing on a head of messy black hair.

  
His eyes fall, not missing the way that charcoal orbs light up, if even possible, when the older man realizes he’s been caught staring at his waking partner.

  
“Kuro…” The bleach blonde mumbles sleepily, digging half of his face into his pillow as his ears glow red, only one visible to the other. His morning voice earns him a soft chuckle from the other and he feels the weight of the bed shift as the other props himself up on his elbow, looking down over the cat-like eyed boy.

  
“G’morning, kitten,” he whispered, pushing a couple of strands of hair out of Kenma’s face. Before Kenma could even properly look up at Kuroo, his side of the bed is lifted of his weight and the raven haired man is gone from his sight.

  
A soft sigh escapes the twenty-something year olds lips as he lays back on his side, reaching over to the spot where his lover had slept. 

  
Eventually he got up, got ready for the day as soft jazz music played from the living room. He didn’t get a chance to see Kuroo again, knowing that both of them had places to be early that day just as they did almost every day. When Kenma was ready, he let out a short goodbye to the apartment, his cats and to wherever Kuroo was in their home, told the Alexa to stop playing its music and locked up.

  
Mornings felt empty somehow, but not as empty as nights when he knew Kuroo wasn’t going to make it home before Kenma was asleep. Like tonight would be.

  
After a long day of work, the bleach blonde CEO made his way to the train station, the spring breeze brushing against his neck and blowing at his scarf. He felt a few of the sun's light rays warm up his hand, causing him to smile softly to himself.

  
The ride home was short, only a few blocks away and soon he was at the front door of his apartment. He swore he could smell something sweet from inside, but shook that thought from his head.

  
When Kenma walked deeper into the home his eyes caught a glimpse of red blossoms in a vase on the kitchen table. After walking past them once, he turned back and made his way over.

  
“Kuroo must’ve stopped by during his lunch break,” Kenma thought aloud, brushing his calloused fingers over a few soft rose petals. There wasn’t a note, but he knew what his partner was saying.  _ Sorry that I had to leave you alone this weekend, I love you. _

  
The male sighed sadly, a pang in his chest as he walked away from the flowers and towards the bedroom to change from his work apparel and into something more comfortable, ready for his scheduled stream.

  
By 10 P.M., the scheduled stream was over and three hours of gaming came to an end as an alarm on the blonde’s phone went off that reminded him he needed to eat dinner.   
  
His dinner was quiet, the night was as empty and cold as he predicted it would be this morning. After eating a small but proper meal, Kenma reheated a slice of leftover pie, trying not to mentally label it as a self-pity dessert. 

  
He went to bed with that pang in his chest from earlier still ringing, holding back a few lonely tears from slipping down his round cheeks. “It’s okay, Kenma, he’s okay. You’re okay,” he whispered to himself to ease his nightly anxieties before slipping into a dreamless night.  
  


**\---  
  
**

Summer was faster to roll around this year, the heat making Kenma’s office uncomfortable as it poured over his back from the large window behind him. He groaned into his hands, burying his face into his palms for a few moments.

  
He could go home soon, work wasn’t keeping him late tonight since he had to attend Shoyou’s game that night as planned due to his sponsorship with the pro player. That being said, Kenma lifted his head with what minimal strength he had left and let his eyes trail over to the framed picture on his desk of him and Kuroo in slightly matching suits, a blossoming arch above them as they looked into each other's eyes.

  
The blonde chuckled to himself, a blush similar to the pictured Kenma’s appearing on his cheeks. He adored that picture, and so did Kuroo. He had said it was his favorite of all the wedding pictures they’d taken. Kenma had agreed since, but not verbally.

  
The picture brightened his mood and got him through the remaining work day before he had to leave to make it to the game. 

  
Bundled up in his hoodie, Kenma slouched into the bleachers and watched the volleyball fly back and forth in the air for an hour and a half. Ultimately the game ended with Shoyou’s team celebrating their victory. The older male knew he’d have to take his younger friend out for a celebratory dinner soon, just not tonight.

  
After the closing ceremony and official thank yous to the viewers, Kenma joined his sponsee and gave him a warm smile. “You did good, Sho,” he complimented.

  
The oranged haired boy couldn’t contain his excitement, it’d been a while since he’d seen his best friend. He embraced the smaller boy, his grip strong thanks to the muscles he’d gained over the years.

  
“Thanks Kenma! I wasn’t sure if you’d be here tonight,” he admitted once he let go, examining the latter’s face. “I’m glad you are.”

  
Kenma nodded, chuckling softly. “I’ll have to take you out for dinner soon, we need to catch up in person sometime. Tomorrow sound good to you?”

  
He watched as the pro player nodded enthusiastically, smiling even wider if possible. “Hinata!” An echoing voice shouted from across the court, the other teammates waving and calling their MVP over to them.

  
“Go, celebrate with your team. You deserve it, Shoyou,” the bleach blonde said sincerely, glancing from the team in the background and then back at his friend.

  
“Ah, sorry Kenma, but yes, tomorrow night is a plan!” He said, taking Kenma’s hand into his two own and shaking it happily. 

  
With a nod, Kenma pulled his hand away and looked at his friend in the eyes. “I have to get home to Kuroo, I’ll see you tomorrow.” His eyes peeled away from his face as he turned and began walking away. If he hadn’t missed the somber whisper of his own name from the other, he didn’t mention it.  
  


\---  
  


Fall was Kenma’s favorite season. It wasn’t too hot or too cold, not in the middle at least. Closer to the other two seasons was a different story of course.

  
Kuroo disagreed about the seasons, opting to favor spring instead. When Kenma asked his partner why he preferred spring time, all Kuroo said was that springtime felt the same way his stomach had when he first discovered his feelings for the younger.

  
Something about the warming sun and the way the butterflies reminded him of the ones inside his stomach whenever he saw gold, cat-like eyes staring back into his dark ones. 

  
“You’re an idiot,” Kenma had told him, watching as the taller man danced around their kitchen, goofy apron twirling as if to prove the other’s statement. “Kuro, please, help me with the pie!”

  
The raven haired male disappeared from the younger’s sight, but soon a warmth enveloped him from behind and tan arms snaked their ways in front of him and reached for the dough Kenma was currently kneading.

  
“You’ve made this pie about three times now and yet you still have trouble kneading the dough properly,” a soft chuckle tickled the small male’s ear, sending goosebumps down his neck. 

  
Kenma rolled his eyes, swatting his husband’s hands away. “I change my mind, take that apron off and leave my kitchen.” He hissed at the older male, turning away to catch the way he clutched his chest and faked a pained look.

  
“You wound me, kitten. Wounded me I say,” he whined, towering over the smaller as he approached him. “I promise I’ll behave, let me stay,” he pouted now, another eye roll from his partner.

  
“Stay, please. Be my guest,” he whispered, turning back around and feeling the man’s body mold back into its former position. His larger hands found their way to Kenma’s hips, holding him close as he buried his head into the crook of his neck.

  
“I want to,” he had whispered, his eyes closing and breath tickling the bleached blonde’s neck. “I want to stay for an eternity beside you. I even vowed to, remember,” he smiled and let his hand move over Kenma’s smaller one, index finger tracing the gold band on his ring finger.

  
Kenma blushed as he looked down at their hands covered in dough and flour, ring shining despite the dirtiness. “Stay for an eternity beside me, Kuro.”

  
Spring was so different from the Autumn Kenma enjoyed, but he grew to enjoy the season as much as his bed headed husband did. Maybe it became his own favorite, or at least a second close. 

  
\---

  
The CEO hated the cold, so naturally, he disliked winter contrary to what other people may have believed upon first meeting him and contrary to his enjoyment of the fall season. 

  
“Winter sucks ass, if I could dispose of one natural occurence in this world, it would be the entire season,” he complained to Akaashi over the phone. “Why does the year have to get as cold as it does, it’s not fair to us who can’t just hibernate.”

  
“You practically hibernate in the winter season anyways, Kozume-san,” the soft voice of the other male came through the phone, earning a grumble from his friend. “And I’m sure there’s other reasons why you don’t like the winter.”

  
Kenma tensed, biting his lip as he let the silence go on for a bit. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just hate the cold and the holidays don’t make it too much better. Too many people running around ready for too much social interaction.”

  
Akaashi sighed on the other end, Kenma could picture him shaking his head at the moment. “Kozume-san, have you talked to that therapist I referred you to?”

  
“I’ve been busy, I’ll do it soon,” he lied, closing his eyes as he leaned over the counter. When he opened his eyes back up they landed on the rotting flowers on the kitchen table, all petals withered and gone. The scent of death still slightly surrounds the dead plant.

  
“It’s been almost a year, Kenma,” another voice on the other side of the line came. Bokuto. The male’s grip on his phone tightened as his throat tensed up. “It’s not healthy anymore,” he said after a while.

  
“I have to, uh, go…” Kenma mumbled, catching the exhausted sigh from Bokuto’s boyfriend before he quickly hung up and dropped his phone on the granite countertop. He felt the wetness on his cheeks, teardrops falling below and forming a small pool on the screen of his phone.

  
He lifted his hand up, his fingers wrapping around the band he wore tied to a string on his neck. Almost a year, he was reminded a few minutes ago.

  
Kenma sucked in a deep breath, pushing himself away from the counter and making his way to the front door. He toed his shoes on, slipping on a coat that was too large for him and wrapping his maroon scarf around his neck.

  
Without taking his phone, and really any other possession, he let his feet carry him to one of the locations he hated the most.

  
“Hey Kuro,” he whispered as he reached that spot. There wasn’t a response, there never was. Not anymore. 

  
Kenma fell to his knees, looking down at the concrete below him. “I, uh, stopped dying my hair a few months ago,” he said as he desperately held back his tears. “I don’t know if I told you that.”

  
He waited for a moment, his golden eyes lifting to finally face the words engraved to the stone in front of him. “Sometimes I wake up and feel warmth on your side of the bed. I know you aren’t there,” his voice cracked. “Kuroo, why’d you leave me?”

  
“You said you would stay for an eternity, you vowed it. You, you… You vowed it, Kuro. I’m sorry, I know it’s not your fault. Tetsurou, you deserved so much more, I’m so so sorry I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there and now you aren’t here. It’s not fair, why is winter so cruel? Why did it have to steal you from me? It was too soon, Tetsurou.

  
I don’t know how much longer I can do this without you. I need you, I want to be beside you. I want to stay for an eternity beside you, Kuro,” he sobbed and talked into the cold air at the stone in front of him. 

  
“I miss you so goddamn much, you have no idea,” he whispered, his shoulder tensing as he felt a breeze blow across it. His hand ghosted over the area, falling down onto his lap after a minute.

  
Kenma let himself sit in silence until the tears stopped, much like he did almost a year ago when he found out his husband no longer breathed the air this world provided. It’ll be a full year in a week, but Kenma severely doubted he could last that long. It was too painful. It was a cold hell on earth and he longed for a warmer place.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm sorry for any damage I may have brought upon you, but feel free to leave me criticism and feedback!


End file.
